New Spirituality

I have spent some time over the last few weeks talking about recovering from religion and part of that is remembering the good times. Honestly, the only good parts for me were the feelings I had putting myself through the rituals of singing or prayer. My feelings were still problematic because they were very much tied into guilt and self-deprecation. I just wanted to feel accepted and loved so badly I accepting the guilt and loathing as the way things were; that they were my fault. Even when I did feel loved it was always tainted with the knowledge I didn't deserve that love and it would be a lifelong process to be made worthy. However, the electric feelings of joy and fear were like nothing else I had experienced. I loved being overcome with emotion and being able to let go and express that however I felt (I was brought up in an Assemblies of God church).

Due to the anger I have had for so long towards religion and the religious, I have denied myself anything that looked even remotely spiritual. I did this because I was scared I would appear to some that I was searching and that would be a sign for them to step in and “save” me. I also worried it would seem that I need spiritual things to be happy, and again we are slipping right down that slope to dealing with being witnessed to. Then, my desires could also be viewed as proof their god is true and I didn't want that. I was also so burned by the religious that, up until recently, the idea of identifying in anyway religious made me physically ill. It has been many years and I am coming to terms with what being “spiritual” looks like for me as an atheist.

What I want for myself is the freedom to express myself and my emotions without fear. What I needed to do was to take responsibility for those things and do them. I needed to find a paradigm to express myself through. For a long time, I had this vague nature/universe worship of sorts trying to feel connection to stars through the star stuff inside of me and that worked in small way sometimes, but it wasn't enough. The closest I got to the feelings I wanted was playing role playing games, loving the characters I created, and moving them through the world they lived in. It wasn't the same feeling as my childhood religious experiences though. There was no guilt, no fear, I felt empowered, I was in control they were extensions of myself and I was in control of them. However, when the games were over the feelings were gone. I just assumed for a long time that gaming was as good as it was going to get.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes I sank into a self-loathing like nothing I had experienced before and I was lost in it. I hated every part of my body. Every ounce of fat and every stretch mark was a reminder I failed and now I was damaged beyond repair. I was never going to be what I wanted. Truthfully, in hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It pushed me, out of fear in the beginning, to recreate myself into a better version. Not only did I change my eating habits and physical activity levels, but I started reading. If anything feeds the part of your brain that feels like a soul, it is reading. My body is coming along and my diabetes is under control and that is amazing. Even better though is that I am starting to figure out what I need to be emotionally happy in myself.

I deal with my fair share of anxiety and because of that I don't drive; I’m simply too afraid to. I don't like to go out without my partner; he is my safe space. I can deal with pretty much anything with him by my side. I am terrified that my doctor will want me to come off my meds and all my hard work will be undone. I needed to share that so when I tell you I can now go for a walk around my neighborhood alone and that I went with friends to play games without my partner you would maybe understand how big of a deal that is for me. I can do these things because I have found a source for a new “spiritual” strength. She is me. No supernatural disappointed daddy needed. I am enough.

Though there is no supernatural magical metaphor and even ritual help me express my new-found love of the goddess inside me. Seeing as the religion that caused me so much pain was Christianity it makes poetic sense to me that now my spiritual expression is a dark one. Turning the fear of my childhood on its head into my strength now is very empowering. I draw from the stories of Satan, Lucifer, and most of all Lilith. Where a man stands damning me to never-ending fear and unworthiness; a woman stands offering freedom of expression and a path to see my own worth. When one god says, “my way or no way” a demon says, “make your own way”. Where a holy book says, “woman submit and be silent” the abominations say, “be loud and submit to no one”. I am not a thing to be owned. I am not limited by my femininity, and it is not a problem to be solved or a curse to be lifted. I am worthy and I will never settle for less because someone else says it’s all I can have. The dark mother has opened my eyes to the idea that through pain we learn, and my life has been a lesson. So, now it is time to see what I have learned. It’s time to build myself up in my own image because she is me and I am her. I don't know what I will look like in the end, but it will be beautiful.