New Spirituality

I have spent some time over the last few weeks talking about recovering from religion and part of that is remembering the good times. Honestly, the only good parts for me were the feelings I had putting myself through the rituals of singing or prayer. My feelings were still problematic because they were very much tied into guilt and self-deprecation. I just wanted to feel accepted and loved so badly I accepting the guilt and loathing as the way things were; that they were my fault. Even when I did feel loved it was always tainted with the knowledge I didn't deserve that love and it would be a lifelong process to be made worthy. However, the electric feelings of joy and fear were like nothing else I had experienced. I loved being overcome with emotion and being able to let go and express that however I felt (I was brought up in an Assemblies of God church).

Due to the anger I have had for so long towards religion and the religious, I have denied myself anything that looked even remotely spiritual. I did this because I was scared I would appear to some that I was searching and that would be a sign for them to step in and “save” me. I also worried it would seem that I need spiritual things to be happy, and again we are slipping right down that slope to dealing with being witnessed to. Then, my desires could also be viewed as proof their god is true and I didn't want that. I was also so burned by the religious that, up until recently, the idea of identifying in anyway religious made me physically ill. It has been many years and I am coming to terms with what being “spiritual” looks like for me as an atheist.

What I want for myself is the freedom to express myself and my emotions without fear. What I needed to do was to take responsibility for those things and do them. I needed to find a paradigm to express myself through. For a long time, I had this vague nature/universe worship of sorts trying to feel connection to stars through the star stuff inside of me and that worked in small way sometimes, but it wasn't enough. The closest I got to the feelings I wanted was playing role playing games, loving the characters I created, and moving them through the world they lived in. It wasn't the same feeling as my childhood religious experiences though. There was no guilt, no fear, I felt empowered, I was in control they were extensions of myself and I was in control of them. However, when the games were over the feelings were gone. I just assumed for a long time that gaming was as good as it was going to get.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes I sank into a self-loathing like nothing I had experienced before and I was lost in it. I hated every part of my body. Every ounce of fat and every stretch mark was a reminder I failed and now I was damaged beyond repair. I was never going to be what I wanted. Truthfully, in hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It pushed me, out of fear in the beginning, to recreate myself into a better version. Not only did I change my eating habits and physical activity levels, but I started reading. If anything feeds the part of your brain that feels like a soul, it is reading. My body is coming along and my diabetes is under control and that is amazing. Even better though is that I am starting to figure out what I need to be emotionally happy in myself.

I deal with my fair share of anxiety and because of that I don't drive; I’m simply too afraid to. I don't like to go out without my partner; he is my safe space. I can deal with pretty much anything with him by my side. I am terrified that my doctor will want me to come off my meds and all my hard work will be undone. I needed to share that so when I tell you I can now go for a walk around my neighborhood alone and that I went with friends to play games without my partner you would maybe understand how big of a deal that is for me. I can do these things because I have found a source for a new “spiritual” strength. She is me. No supernatural disappointed daddy needed. I am enough.

Though there is no supernatural magical metaphor and even ritual help me express my new-found love of the goddess inside me. Seeing as the religion that caused me so much pain was Christianity it makes poetic sense to me that now my spiritual expression is a dark one. Turning the fear of my childhood on its head into my strength now is very empowering. I draw from the stories of Satan, Lucifer, and most of all Lilith. Where a man stands damning me to never-ending fear and unworthiness; a woman stands offering freedom of expression and a path to see my own worth. When one god says, “my way or no way” a demon says, “make your own way”. Where a holy book says, “woman submit and be silent” the abominations say, “be loud and submit to no one”. I am not a thing to be owned. I am not limited by my femininity, and it is not a problem to be solved or a curse to be lifted. I am worthy and I will never settle for less because someone else says it’s all I can have. The dark mother has opened my eyes to the idea that through pain we learn, and my life has been a lesson. So, now it is time to see what I have learned. It’s time to build myself up in my own image because she is me and I am her. I don't know what I will look like in the end, but it will be beautiful.

My at Home Wrokout

This is my current daily at home workout. I will increase or decrease reps as I get stronger or as I deal with my bodies physical limits. I am writing this because I put this together myself when I couldn't find what I wanted in an easy to follow format. I use a resistance band, stability ball, 5 pound weights, thigh toner, and yoga mats. I wanted the benefit of several different kinds of workouts to make things more interesting so I would stay interested and work as much out as I could in the time frame I need. The workout takes me about 30 minutes to complete. It varies depending on how much interference I get from kids and pets. Keep in mind all of my movements are centered around keeping my back and knee pain and my hernia under control at all times.

I set up all of my stuff before I get started so I'm not running around getting the next thing I need. I set up my two yoga mats stacked on top of each other to be nice to my knees on the floor. I make sure everything else is to the side but within two steps for ease to transition.

I start with a 3 minute wall sit. I stand about 16 inches away from a wall then sit back with my knees between 90 and 110 degree angle depending again on my knee pain level on that day.  Keeping my back straight and my arms against the wall. I have a kitchen timer to let me know when I'm done.

Keeping with the leg work I move onto the resistance band. Mine is just a flat band and I hold one end in each hand at chest height very tightly. Bending over to let the band touch the floor I put my foot into the band just about centered on my foot.  I stand back up and start bending and straightening my leg almost in a stomping motion. Keep your core muscles flexed to help with balancing on the other foot. I do 30 reps for each leg.

Moving onto the stability ball. First, sitting on the ball I use my thigh toner (basically a thigh master) and do 5 sets of 10 reps. Feet about 6 inches apart with the toner about mid thigh just squeeze it closed.  I also just the toner to work my chest. Still seated on the ball with the loops of the toner pointed towards me I squeeze it closed with my hands at chest level 10 times. I then flip the toner so the spring is pointed towards my body and squeeze 10 times. I do this rotation 3 times.

Now I move my ball so it is at the top of my mat and sit and roll so that I am laying on my back and the ball is around the middle of my back. With my hands on my hips I bend my knees taking my butt towards the floor in a squat. I can’t do standing squats because of my knees. I do 30 reps of my stability ball squats. Still on the ball I roll the ball to my lower back for crunches. With my hands together in a ball I lift my body into a ½ seated position.  I am up to 30 reps of this. I am slow to increase the reps on this exercise  because of my hernia repair. Moving the ball to the end of the mat I roll out on my stomach facing the floor until the ball is about at my hips. In a modified pushup position. Here I do 15 pushups with my hands under my shoulders. Then moving my hands closer together, making a triangle with my fingers and thumbs, I do 15 more pushups. These two styles work different muscle groups in your arms.  Then rolling out more on the ball so that it is now on my thighs I do 20 shoulder presses. This looks way harder than it is. Pushing your weight up and over your shoulders like you would to do a handstand, roll the ball down your legs by pulling your butt into the air until the ball is on your shins. It looks like you are making a triangle with your body. I do this 20 times.

Keeping with the arm work I grab my 5 pound weights and lay back down on my ball. With the ball back in the middle of my back I do 20 chest fly reps. This is basically opening and closing your arms like a book over your chest. I keep my elbows slightly bent as to not over stress my joints. Moving the ball to the side I move on to a few more movements with the weights. Standing over the mat knees slightly bent and feet together I bend over looking at the floor and do 20 more chest flys in this position. This time the movement works more of your back muscles. Staying in this position I do 20 tricep kickbacks. Starting with your arms bent elbows back so the weights are basically in your arm pits extend your arms towards your back. Now onto bicep curls, the easy one. Standing straight with your shoulders back and your arms at your side lift the weights up to your shoulders and release them back to your sides, but don't let your elbows fully straighten again that is to prevent joint stress. My last big arm focused move is off the edge of my couch. I do 30 tricep dips. Place your feet about 2 feet away from your couch or however much room you need to fit your butt between the couch and your feet. Pick yourself up and hang over the edge and bend your elbows moving yourself up and down like a backward push up. I take a breaks as needed as long as I get the 30 reps I want.

Back to the mat for the rest of the workout now with no extras. First I start with some yoga bridges. Lay on your back knees bent and all you do is pick your butt up lift it as high as you can and squeeze at the top of your movement. I do 30 reps of this movement. Flipping over onto my hands and knees with hands under shoulders and knees under hips it's cat/cow time. You cat by bowing your back by drawing in your hips inward and pushing up through your shoulders, so you look like a cat. You cow by basically doing the opposite. Push your hips out and your back and belly down, so you look like a sad cow.  I do this 3 times counting each rep on the cow. Then I do 10 donkey kicks. This is exactly what is sounds like kick your leg out behind you to a full extension with your toe pointed and then bring it back in. After the 10th rep I hold a bird dog for that leg. You do this by extending the opposite arm of the leg you were kicking and hold both of them in the extended position with the other arm and leg still on the ground. I guess you are supposed to look like some kind of pointer hunting dog.  Do the same thing starting with the donkey kicks for the other leg moving to the bird dog for that leg on the 10th extension. Then start the whole thing over at the cat/cow and do it all 3 times so you get 30 reps of the donkey kicks.

To finish out the workout I do some stretching. I start with a pigeon position. This is basically a ½ side split. The leg in front is bent and the back leg is fully extended. Use your arms to hold your body up in a comfortable position. I do this for 20 seconds each side. Move to a seated straddle position with pointed toes reach both hands to one side towards your pointed toes and face your ear towards your leg stay here for 20 seconds then flex your toe and do the same thing. Do each side and the center with both pointed and flexed toes. In the center reach as far as you can or put your elbows on the floor. Then I do a butterfly by putting my feet together in front of my body letting my knees go down as far as they can don't push them too hard and DO NOT FLAP your legs I know it's called the butterfly but it's bad for all that connective tissue in your knees to flap. I hold all my stretches for 20 seconds each and I do the whole set starting with the pigeon 2 times. At the end I stand up and reach my hands up and as far back as they will go just because it feels nice.

Like I said this whole thing takes me about 20 to 30 minutes to do. I am also trying to get back into walking 1 to 2 miles every night with Gavin as well. We are making the kids go with us for at least ½ a mile each day. I'm really happy with this workout I put together. It’s about the longest amount of time at once I can get the kids to let me do something quietly, so I needed it to do a lot in a little time and I feel like this for sure does that. Maybe it will be useful to someone else as well.

My Body Awareness Weirdness

My body awareness weirdness has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. I have never been able to see my body as it is. As a big person I had no real understanding of how big I was and the damage I was causing my body by being so big. I made excuses for the pain I was in and used the fact that I had three kids as a general excuse for my weight. There was also an outright denial of how bad it was for me because I just couldn't see it.

When I got the diagnosis of being diabetic I couldn't deny it anymore, so I flung myself into weight loss mode. The problem was I lost the weight so fast, 90 pounds in roughly 7 months, I never really had time for my perception to catch up with what was happening to my body. I also became obsessive with losing the weight to the point that I would workout one to two hours a day and eat a thousand or less calories a day. It worked but it left a mess. Don't get me wrong I'm glad the weight is off and for me faster was better. My blood sugar is under control as is my blood pressure and I am in much less pain. The problem is I haven't really had time to get used to myself.

One of the issues I'm dealing with is that I have leftovers, so to speak. I have a lot of extra skin on my stomach that will probably only be removable with surgery and it's not so pretty. I also have to live with the fact that I was so big that I had a huge hernia and had no idea because of the fat on my stomach. Once I lost the weight it was easy to see the huge lump. That makes me really sad. I'm lucky nothing major happened. Now I have a huge new scar bisecting my hanging stomach skin. That is just one more thing that makes me not want to look at myself.

I go back and forth between feeling lied to and feeling like a lair when it comes to my body and my “weight loss journey”. I had hoped that losing the weight would lead to me liking my body… nope. That is where I feel lied to. I feel like a liar when I just smile and nod when people tell me how great I look now. I know that if they were to ever see me naked they wouldn't feel the same. I don't why would they would when I don't. I feel like I prop up this idea that if you work hard and do all the “right” things you will be attractive and have a “hot body”. So, here is my body truth, to this day I don't feel like my body is mine. I live in it but it doesn't feel like me or mine. I kinda ruined it. I let it go to the point of illness, possible failure, and disrepair. Now that I have put in the effort to “fix” it, I can't get it to the point I would like it without surgery. I can't go more than a few hours awake without a shaping under garment because the hanging skin is too heavy. It's like having an extra set of boobs hanging off the front of my body. Also my ab muscles still aren't strong enough to hold all my guts in with the mesh without the extra support.

Moral of the story is that if you decide that you want to lose weight do it for your health not to look better because that just may not be in the cards for you. Know that the people that complain about big models or plus size workout clothes don't really care about the health of the people its all about appearance. No one has comment about how much “healthier” I look but, almost everyone has commented on my perceived attractiveness. I'm also not going to lie, I'm not mad about fitting more easily into accepted beauty standards. Though my face has never been a problem now the rest of me matches a little more. Please don't look at me or treat me like I did anything other than what was necessary to live longer. I never should have been so unhealthy in the first place. In an effort to feel more honest I'm putting some photos I took of myself today here. Sorry, if its more than you wanted to see. It's my body and I feel like I need to share them. It's not the prettiest but it is way healthier and that is what is most important. Healthy may not be pretty for everyone it's not for me.