My body awareness
weirdness has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. I have
never been able to see my body as it is. As a big person I had no
real understanding of how big I was and the damage I was causing my
body by being so big. I made excuses for the pain I was in and used
the fact that I had three kids as a general excuse for my weight.
There was also an outright denial of how bad it was for me because I
just couldn't see it.
When I got the
diagnosis of being diabetic I couldn't deny it anymore, so I flung myself
into weight loss mode. The problem was I lost the weight so fast, 90
pounds in roughly 7 months, I never really had time for my perception
to catch up with what was happening to my body. I also became
obsessive with losing the weight to the point that I would workout
one to two hours a day and eat a thousand or less calories a day. It
worked but it left a mess. Don't get me wrong I'm glad the weight is
off and for me faster was better. My blood sugar is under control as
is my blood pressure and I am in much less pain. The problem is I
haven't really had time to get used to myself.
One of the issues I'm dealing with is that I have leftovers, so to speak. I have a lot of extra skin on
my stomach that will probably only be removable with surgery and it's
not so pretty. I also have to live with the fact that I was so
big that I had a huge hernia and had no idea because of the fat on my
stomach. Once I lost the weight it was easy to see the huge lump.
That makes me really sad. I'm lucky nothing major happened. Now I
have a huge new scar bisecting my hanging stomach skin. That is just
one more thing that makes me not want to look at myself.
I go back and forth
between feeling lied to and feeling like a lair when it comes to my
body and my “weight loss journey”. I had hoped that losing the
weight would lead to me liking my body… nope. That is where I feel
lied to. I feel like a liar when I just smile and nod when people
tell me how great I look now. I know that if they were to ever see me
naked they wouldn't feel the same. I don't why would they would when
I don't. I feel like I prop up this idea that if you work hard and do
all the “right” things you will be attractive and have a “hot
body”. So, here is my body truth, to this day I don't feel like my
body is mine. I live in it but it doesn't feel like me or mine. I
kinda ruined it. I let it go to the point of illness, possible
failure, and disrepair. Now that I have put in the effort to “fix”
it, I can't get it to the point I would like it without surgery. I
can't go more than a few hours awake without a shaping under garment
because the hanging skin is too heavy. It's like having an extra set
of boobs hanging off the front of my body. Also my ab muscles still
aren't strong enough to hold all my guts in with the mesh without the
extra support.
Moral of the story
is that if you decide that you want to lose weight do it for your
health not to look better because that just may not be in the cards
for you. Know that the people that complain about big models or plus
size workout clothes don't really care about the health of the people
its all about appearance. No one has comment about how much
“healthier” I look but, almost everyone has commented on my
perceived attractiveness. I'm also not going to lie, I'm not mad about
fitting more easily into accepted beauty standards. Though my face
has never been a problem now the rest of me matches a little more. Please don't look at me or treat me like I did anything other than what was necessary to live longer. I never should have been so unhealthy in the first place. In an effort to feel more honest I'm
putting some photos I took of myself today here. Sorry, if its more than
you wanted to see. It's my body and I feel like I need to share
them. It's not the prettiest but it is way healthier and that is what is most important. Healthy may not be pretty for everyone it's not for me.
