A botched tummy tuck preformed by Michael Myers

My life long struggle with my weight.

A brief history. It started the day puberty hit I swear and it hit early, I was 9. I fluffed up like a cotton ball with boobs. It was really hard for me. Girls didn't like me because I had boobs and the boys didn't like me because I was fat. I did get tired of it in middle school and starved myself down to my lowest weight since childhood; it was not pretty. By the time I got to high school things had kind of evened out. I wasn't thin but I was on the small end of plus-sized. I gained my freshmen 15 my first year in college, but after that my weight was stable until I started having babies.

Jump forward to post-baby-number-one body. I actually weighted less after she was born because of a special diet I had to be on. The problem was with the c-section. When they closed me up it wasn't straight or flat it was this bubbly flappy thing. I hoped for a long time that as the time went by my body would snap back like I had read other women's bodies had. Every doctor's exam started with the doctors asking me if I was going to have a tummy tuck or them asking me to hold up my stomach so they could check me out. After baby number two and c-section number two it was worse and after baby and c-section number three my stomach looks like something out of a plastic surgery nightmare.

So here starts my weight issues today. I have several times started and stopped working on losing weight. I stop because I get so discouraged because I know that no matter how much weight I loose I will still look like I had a botched tummy tuck preformed by Michael Myers. I keep telling myself I need to lose the weight to be healthy and because of my back problems. Combined with my depression issues my tummy issues drive me to give up. I have had some success as of late. I've lost 13 pounds and several inches in the last two and a half months. I am just about at the point where I would normally give up and I feel like doing so. I am trying my hardest to keep it all up. Here is my problem. As I get smaller the more I am able to see all the ugliness that is my stomach. Our new house has so many mirrors in our master bathroom and every time I get ready to shower I am able to see my whole body. All the tucks and folds of my stomach just make me want to cry. This is why the up and down continues for my weight.

I am left in this limbo like state between “yes, I want to make sure I'm healthy” and “I won't be pretty so why try”. It's very difficult to stay motivated when you feel like it won't make a difference where you want to see change. This makes me feel very vain and shallow which leads me to sometimes long bouts of depression than then lead to it being even harder to motivate myself. I know this isn't a thing that is unique to myself, but it sucks. Add to all of that that I am a stay at home, home schooling mom of three crazy kids that are always wanting something. It is really hard to stay on track.

I have however motivated myself to get halfway back on track. I am hoping that despite the fact that even if my stomach is smaller it will still look deformed I can look past that to my health and stay motivated. Fingers crossed.