My Body Awareness Weirdness

My body awareness weirdness has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. I have never been able to see my body as it is. As a big person I had no real understanding of how big I was and the damage I was causing my body by being so big. I made excuses for the pain I was in and used the fact that I had three kids as a general excuse for my weight. There was also an outright denial of how bad it was for me because I just couldn't see it.

When I got the diagnosis of being diabetic I couldn't deny it anymore, so I flung myself into weight loss mode. The problem was I lost the weight so fast, 90 pounds in roughly 7 months, I never really had time for my perception to catch up with what was happening to my body. I also became obsessive with losing the weight to the point that I would workout one to two hours a day and eat a thousand or less calories a day. It worked but it left a mess. Don't get me wrong I'm glad the weight is off and for me faster was better. My blood sugar is under control as is my blood pressure and I am in much less pain. The problem is I haven't really had time to get used to myself.

One of the issues I'm dealing with is that I have leftovers, so to speak. I have a lot of extra skin on my stomach that will probably only be removable with surgery and it's not so pretty. I also have to live with the fact that I was so big that I had a huge hernia and had no idea because of the fat on my stomach. Once I lost the weight it was easy to see the huge lump. That makes me really sad. I'm lucky nothing major happened. Now I have a huge new scar bisecting my hanging stomach skin. That is just one more thing that makes me not want to look at myself.

I go back and forth between feeling lied to and feeling like a lair when it comes to my body and my “weight loss journey”. I had hoped that losing the weight would lead to me liking my body… nope. That is where I feel lied to. I feel like a liar when I just smile and nod when people tell me how great I look now. I know that if they were to ever see me naked they wouldn't feel the same. I don't why would they would when I don't. I feel like I prop up this idea that if you work hard and do all the “right” things you will be attractive and have a “hot body”. So, here is my body truth, to this day I don't feel like my body is mine. I live in it but it doesn't feel like me or mine. I kinda ruined it. I let it go to the point of illness, possible failure, and disrepair. Now that I have put in the effort to “fix” it, I can't get it to the point I would like it without surgery. I can't go more than a few hours awake without a shaping under garment because the hanging skin is too heavy. It's like having an extra set of boobs hanging off the front of my body. Also my ab muscles still aren't strong enough to hold all my guts in with the mesh without the extra support.

Moral of the story is that if you decide that you want to lose weight do it for your health not to look better because that just may not be in the cards for you. Know that the people that complain about big models or plus size workout clothes don't really care about the health of the people its all about appearance. No one has comment about how much “healthier” I look but, almost everyone has commented on my perceived attractiveness. I'm also not going to lie, I'm not mad about fitting more easily into accepted beauty standards. Though my face has never been a problem now the rest of me matches a little more. Please don't look at me or treat me like I did anything other than what was necessary to live longer. I never should have been so unhealthy in the first place. In an effort to feel more honest I'm putting some photos I took of myself today here. Sorry, if its more than you wanted to see. It's my body and I feel like I need to share them. It's not the prettiest but it is way healthier and that is what is most important. Healthy may not be pretty for everyone it's not for me.