New Spirituality

I have spent some time over the last few weeks talking about recovering from religion and part of that is remembering the good times. Honestly, the only good parts for me were the feelings I had putting myself through the rituals of singing or prayer. My feelings were still problematic because they were very much tied into guilt and self-deprecation. I just wanted to feel accepted and loved so badly I accepting the guilt and loathing as the way things were; that they were my fault. Even when I did feel loved it was always tainted with the knowledge I didn't deserve that love and it would be a lifelong process to be made worthy. However, the electric feelings of joy and fear were like nothing else I had experienced. I loved being overcome with emotion and being able to let go and express that however I felt (I was brought up in an Assemblies of God church).

Due to the anger I have had for so long towards religion and the religious, I have denied myself anything that looked even remotely spiritual. I did this because I was scared I would appear to some that I was searching and that would be a sign for them to step in and “save” me. I also worried it would seem that I need spiritual things to be happy, and again we are slipping right down that slope to dealing with being witnessed to. Then, my desires could also be viewed as proof their god is true and I didn't want that. I was also so burned by the religious that, up until recently, the idea of identifying in anyway religious made me physically ill. It has been many years and I am coming to terms with what being “spiritual” looks like for me as an atheist.

What I want for myself is the freedom to express myself and my emotions without fear. What I needed to do was to take responsibility for those things and do them. I needed to find a paradigm to express myself through. For a long time, I had this vague nature/universe worship of sorts trying to feel connection to stars through the star stuff inside of me and that worked in small way sometimes, but it wasn't enough. The closest I got to the feelings I wanted was playing role playing games, loving the characters I created, and moving them through the world they lived in. It wasn't the same feeling as my childhood religious experiences though. There was no guilt, no fear, I felt empowered, I was in control they were extensions of myself and I was in control of them. However, when the games were over the feelings were gone. I just assumed for a long time that gaming was as good as it was going to get.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes I sank into a self-loathing like nothing I had experienced before and I was lost in it. I hated every part of my body. Every ounce of fat and every stretch mark was a reminder I failed and now I was damaged beyond repair. I was never going to be what I wanted. Truthfully, in hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It pushed me, out of fear in the beginning, to recreate myself into a better version. Not only did I change my eating habits and physical activity levels, but I started reading. If anything feeds the part of your brain that feels like a soul, it is reading. My body is coming along and my diabetes is under control and that is amazing. Even better though is that I am starting to figure out what I need to be emotionally happy in myself.

I deal with my fair share of anxiety and because of that I don't drive; I’m simply too afraid to. I don't like to go out without my partner; he is my safe space. I can deal with pretty much anything with him by my side. I am terrified that my doctor will want me to come off my meds and all my hard work will be undone. I needed to share that so when I tell you I can now go for a walk around my neighborhood alone and that I went with friends to play games without my partner you would maybe understand how big of a deal that is for me. I can do these things because I have found a source for a new “spiritual” strength. She is me. No supernatural disappointed daddy needed. I am enough.

Though there is no supernatural magical metaphor and even ritual help me express my new-found love of the goddess inside me. Seeing as the religion that caused me so much pain was Christianity it makes poetic sense to me that now my spiritual expression is a dark one. Turning the fear of my childhood on its head into my strength now is very empowering. I draw from the stories of Satan, Lucifer, and most of all Lilith. Where a man stands damning me to never-ending fear and unworthiness; a woman stands offering freedom of expression and a path to see my own worth. When one god says, “my way or no way” a demon says, “make your own way”. Where a holy book says, “woman submit and be silent” the abominations say, “be loud and submit to no one”. I am not a thing to be owned. I am not limited by my femininity, and it is not a problem to be solved or a curse to be lifted. I am worthy and I will never settle for less because someone else says it’s all I can have. The dark mother has opened my eyes to the idea that through pain we learn, and my life has been a lesson. So, now it is time to see what I have learned. It’s time to build myself up in my own image because she is me and I am her. I don't know what I will look like in the end, but it will be beautiful.

My at Home Wrokout

This is my current daily at home workout. I will increase or decrease reps as I get stronger or as I deal with my bodies physical limits. I am writing this because I put this together myself when I couldn't find what I wanted in an easy to follow format. I use a resistance band, stability ball, 5 pound weights, thigh toner, and yoga mats. I wanted the benefit of several different kinds of workouts to make things more interesting so I would stay interested and work as much out as I could in the time frame I need. The workout takes me about 30 minutes to complete. It varies depending on how much interference I get from kids and pets. Keep in mind all of my movements are centered around keeping my back and knee pain and my hernia under control at all times.

I set up all of my stuff before I get started so I'm not running around getting the next thing I need. I set up my two yoga mats stacked on top of each other to be nice to my knees on the floor. I make sure everything else is to the side but within two steps for ease to transition.

I start with a 3 minute wall sit. I stand about 16 inches away from a wall then sit back with my knees between 90 and 110 degree angle depending again on my knee pain level on that day.  Keeping my back straight and my arms against the wall. I have a kitchen timer to let me know when I'm done.

Keeping with the leg work I move onto the resistance band. Mine is just a flat band and I hold one end in each hand at chest height very tightly. Bending over to let the band touch the floor I put my foot into the band just about centered on my foot.  I stand back up and start bending and straightening my leg almost in a stomping motion. Keep your core muscles flexed to help with balancing on the other foot. I do 30 reps for each leg.

Moving onto the stability ball. First, sitting on the ball I use my thigh toner (basically a thigh master) and do 5 sets of 10 reps. Feet about 6 inches apart with the toner about mid thigh just squeeze it closed.  I also just the toner to work my chest. Still seated on the ball with the loops of the toner pointed towards me I squeeze it closed with my hands at chest level 10 times. I then flip the toner so the spring is pointed towards my body and squeeze 10 times. I do this rotation 3 times.

Now I move my ball so it is at the top of my mat and sit and roll so that I am laying on my back and the ball is around the middle of my back. With my hands on my hips I bend my knees taking my butt towards the floor in a squat. I can’t do standing squats because of my knees. I do 30 reps of my stability ball squats. Still on the ball I roll the ball to my lower back for crunches. With my hands together in a ball I lift my body into a ½ seated position.  I am up to 30 reps of this. I am slow to increase the reps on this exercise  because of my hernia repair. Moving the ball to the end of the mat I roll out on my stomach facing the floor until the ball is about at my hips. In a modified pushup position. Here I do 15 pushups with my hands under my shoulders. Then moving my hands closer together, making a triangle with my fingers and thumbs, I do 15 more pushups. These two styles work different muscle groups in your arms.  Then rolling out more on the ball so that it is now on my thighs I do 20 shoulder presses. This looks way harder than it is. Pushing your weight up and over your shoulders like you would to do a handstand, roll the ball down your legs by pulling your butt into the air until the ball is on your shins. It looks like you are making a triangle with your body. I do this 20 times.

Keeping with the arm work I grab my 5 pound weights and lay back down on my ball. With the ball back in the middle of my back I do 20 chest fly reps. This is basically opening and closing your arms like a book over your chest. I keep my elbows slightly bent as to not over stress my joints. Moving the ball to the side I move on to a few more movements with the weights. Standing over the mat knees slightly bent and feet together I bend over looking at the floor and do 20 more chest flys in this position. This time the movement works more of your back muscles. Staying in this position I do 20 tricep kickbacks. Starting with your arms bent elbows back so the weights are basically in your arm pits extend your arms towards your back. Now onto bicep curls, the easy one. Standing straight with your shoulders back and your arms at your side lift the weights up to your shoulders and release them back to your sides, but don't let your elbows fully straighten again that is to prevent joint stress. My last big arm focused move is off the edge of my couch. I do 30 tricep dips. Place your feet about 2 feet away from your couch or however much room you need to fit your butt between the couch and your feet. Pick yourself up and hang over the edge and bend your elbows moving yourself up and down like a backward push up. I take a breaks as needed as long as I get the 30 reps I want.

Back to the mat for the rest of the workout now with no extras. First I start with some yoga bridges. Lay on your back knees bent and all you do is pick your butt up lift it as high as you can and squeeze at the top of your movement. I do 30 reps of this movement. Flipping over onto my hands and knees with hands under shoulders and knees under hips it's cat/cow time. You cat by bowing your back by drawing in your hips inward and pushing up through your shoulders, so you look like a cat. You cow by basically doing the opposite. Push your hips out and your back and belly down, so you look like a sad cow.  I do this 3 times counting each rep on the cow. Then I do 10 donkey kicks. This is exactly what is sounds like kick your leg out behind you to a full extension with your toe pointed and then bring it back in. After the 10th rep I hold a bird dog for that leg. You do this by extending the opposite arm of the leg you were kicking and hold both of them in the extended position with the other arm and leg still on the ground. I guess you are supposed to look like some kind of pointer hunting dog.  Do the same thing starting with the donkey kicks for the other leg moving to the bird dog for that leg on the 10th extension. Then start the whole thing over at the cat/cow and do it all 3 times so you get 30 reps of the donkey kicks.

To finish out the workout I do some stretching. I start with a pigeon position. This is basically a ½ side split. The leg in front is bent and the back leg is fully extended. Use your arms to hold your body up in a comfortable position. I do this for 20 seconds each side. Move to a seated straddle position with pointed toes reach both hands to one side towards your pointed toes and face your ear towards your leg stay here for 20 seconds then flex your toe and do the same thing. Do each side and the center with both pointed and flexed toes. In the center reach as far as you can or put your elbows on the floor. Then I do a butterfly by putting my feet together in front of my body letting my knees go down as far as they can don't push them too hard and DO NOT FLAP your legs I know it's called the butterfly but it's bad for all that connective tissue in your knees to flap. I hold all my stretches for 20 seconds each and I do the whole set starting with the pigeon 2 times. At the end I stand up and reach my hands up and as far back as they will go just because it feels nice.

Like I said this whole thing takes me about 20 to 30 minutes to do. I am also trying to get back into walking 1 to 2 miles every night with Gavin as well. We are making the kids go with us for at least ½ a mile each day. I'm really happy with this workout I put together. It’s about the longest amount of time at once I can get the kids to let me do something quietly, so I needed it to do a lot in a little time and I feel like this for sure does that. Maybe it will be useful to someone else as well.

My Body Awareness Weirdness

My body awareness weirdness has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. I have never been able to see my body as it is. As a big person I had no real understanding of how big I was and the damage I was causing my body by being so big. I made excuses for the pain I was in and used the fact that I had three kids as a general excuse for my weight. There was also an outright denial of how bad it was for me because I just couldn't see it.

When I got the diagnosis of being diabetic I couldn't deny it anymore, so I flung myself into weight loss mode. The problem was I lost the weight so fast, 90 pounds in roughly 7 months, I never really had time for my perception to catch up with what was happening to my body. I also became obsessive with losing the weight to the point that I would workout one to two hours a day and eat a thousand or less calories a day. It worked but it left a mess. Don't get me wrong I'm glad the weight is off and for me faster was better. My blood sugar is under control as is my blood pressure and I am in much less pain. The problem is I haven't really had time to get used to myself.

One of the issues I'm dealing with is that I have leftovers, so to speak. I have a lot of extra skin on my stomach that will probably only be removable with surgery and it's not so pretty. I also have to live with the fact that I was so big that I had a huge hernia and had no idea because of the fat on my stomach. Once I lost the weight it was easy to see the huge lump. That makes me really sad. I'm lucky nothing major happened. Now I have a huge new scar bisecting my hanging stomach skin. That is just one more thing that makes me not want to look at myself.

I go back and forth between feeling lied to and feeling like a lair when it comes to my body and my “weight loss journey”. I had hoped that losing the weight would lead to me liking my body… nope. That is where I feel lied to. I feel like a liar when I just smile and nod when people tell me how great I look now. I know that if they were to ever see me naked they wouldn't feel the same. I don't why would they would when I don't. I feel like I prop up this idea that if you work hard and do all the “right” things you will be attractive and have a “hot body”. So, here is my body truth, to this day I don't feel like my body is mine. I live in it but it doesn't feel like me or mine. I kinda ruined it. I let it go to the point of illness, possible failure, and disrepair. Now that I have put in the effort to “fix” it, I can't get it to the point I would like it without surgery. I can't go more than a few hours awake without a shaping under garment because the hanging skin is too heavy. It's like having an extra set of boobs hanging off the front of my body. Also my ab muscles still aren't strong enough to hold all my guts in with the mesh without the extra support.

Moral of the story is that if you decide that you want to lose weight do it for your health not to look better because that just may not be in the cards for you. Know that the people that complain about big models or plus size workout clothes don't really care about the health of the people its all about appearance. No one has comment about how much “healthier” I look but, almost everyone has commented on my perceived attractiveness. I'm also not going to lie, I'm not mad about fitting more easily into accepted beauty standards. Though my face has never been a problem now the rest of me matches a little more. Please don't look at me or treat me like I did anything other than what was necessary to live longer. I never should have been so unhealthy in the first place. In an effort to feel more honest I'm putting some photos I took of myself today here. Sorry, if its more than you wanted to see. It's my body and I feel like I need to share them. It's not the prettiest but it is way healthier and that is what is most important. Healthy may not be pretty for everyone it's not for me. 

How I've lost over 70 pounds.

This post is to tell my weight loss story. I want to start by giving a disclaimer. I do not recommend that anyone try to replicate my methods as some of them have not been the healthiest practices. They have worked for me but they will not work for everyone. Please keep that in mind as you read this.

I guess, to start with, my motivation was like most other peoples'. I wasn't comfortable in my body. I had lots of pain physical and emotional I felt was caused by the extra weight. Examples of these would by my back pain which was at an all time high and my knees would regularly swell making movement difficult. Emotionally speaking I was in a weird place. I didn't look like the beautiful “fat models” or the thin ones. I was just never going to look the way I wanted fat or thin so I was becoming very apathetic and that was leading to depression. Then there were the side effects I didn't even realize were connected to my weight. I was making the wrong amounts of hormones and it was throwing everything off. My periods were super painful and unpredictable. My anxiety issues were being aggravated causing almost monthly panic attacks. Plus the migraines were a constant threat. So after weighing all of this, and myself, I decided to do something about it.

My starting weight was 233 and the first 6 months were really hard with very little progress. I worked out for about 30 minutes every weekday. I altered my diet very little to watch the amount of carbs I was eating. I had success with that in the past. I lost roughly 12 pounds. During this we were able to get health insurance for the first time in many years. I decided it was time to go to the doctor. I made the mistake of going to a Doctor's Care. I met the worst doctor ever there. They did a blood test and my blood sugar was a little over 200. This man came back in the room and said “congratulations you are a diabetic” and they basically couldn't do anything for me and sent me away. I am a pretty laid back person most of the time but because of family history the diagnosis of diabetes was terrifying to me. I eventually found a great doctor and she has been amazing.

This is when the real weight loss starts. I get medication. So step one in my plan would be to go the doctor, get diagnosed with diabetes, and get meds. I told my new doctor about my activity levels and eating habits and she was impressed but told me that it was pretty much all for nothing because of my out of control blood sugar. Getting my blood sugar levels put me back on a level playing field with everyone else. I know this will not be a step everyone will take, but I would recommend going to your doctor, your family doctor, for a physical and talk with them about your personal weight loss desires. There are lots of little things that could be done to help you on your way. I lost 7 pounds in the first week of being on my meds and it has been nothing but success since then.

Now for the nitty gritty and my recommendation. It is no secret that I am a gamer and a huge part of this process has been “gamifying” the process. Mary Poppins was right if you can make something fun it doesn't feel like work. First things first, get a fitness tracker and set goals for yourself. I recommend the Gear Fit or the Gear Fit 2. These are a little on the expensive side so to start off with look into a Mi band. They are cheap and do all the cool stuff you may need. They just don't have a screen and when I started they didn't link up with the app I wanted to use, I think they do now. The app I am speaking of, and I cannot more highly recommend is the Samsung S Health app. It lets you track pretty much everything; calories, workouts, steps, water, caffeine, sleep, blood sugar, blood pressure, weight loss, and a lot more. I use it because it feels like keeping up with my stats and the gamer in my loves that. Another good start to your stat keeping is this site, https://www.supertracker.usda.gov/bwp/index.html, it lets you put in your height and weight and it will tell you how many calories per day you should shoot for to meet your weight loss goal. This was very important to me to set realistic goals and stick to them. However, here comes one of the possibly not so healthy parts. This site said I should eat around 1350 calories a day if I wanted to lose weight fast. My problem is that fast wasn't fast enough for me because of my fear of diabetes related death so I set my goal for 1200 and I regularly eat less than 1000. I don't go to bed hungry and I do keep track of my daily values of vitamins and make sure I get all the stuff I need. Part of this has been taking some daily supplements. I know the research on supplements is a little sketchy so again proceed with caution.

Specifics on my diet. It's a more restricted version of a diabetic diet. I try to keep my snacks under 20g of carbs, we are talking about total carbs including fiber, not just sugar, and my meals around 30g. I like to keep my over all grams of carbs around 100 per day. Most other diabetics eat a little more than that, but again my fear of death is hard at work here. I eat 3 larger meals and 1 to 2 smaller snacks a day. I do tend to eat more at night after dinner than my other snacks throughout the day. I eat a lot of fish and veggies. The key is lean meats. Salads are great but you have to be careful they can easily be as calorie heavy as burger. For personal reasons I have decided not to eat mammals. Which works out doubly because beef and pork and more calorie heavy than fish and chicken. I do limit even my chicken intake and do as much seafood as possible. Snack wise I enjoy eating whole sliced tomatoes, green snap peas, broccoli, and some snack bars. My go to snack bar is FiberOne fudge brownie. It has low carbs, high fiber, and I feel like I'm getting a treat. Other treats include dipps garnola bars, Halo Top ice cream and sometimes a Ghirardelli square. All of them fill me up and stick in my carb restrictions. I will say you have to be careful, carb wise, even with some veggies. I don't eat carrots, potatoes, and very little corn. I think it goes without saying I don't drink anything that isn't diet, but just in case no soda and very I mean very little fruit juice. The only fruit I eat is apples and only from time to time. There is just too much sugar in fruit for me to feel good about eating it. I'm not going to go into all of the specifics here or I would be going on all day. So, if you have any questions please feel free to ask me.

On to the workouts. They are pretty simple really as of now I do 35 on the treadmill in the morning alternating walking and jogging for 5 mins at a time. Sometimes I do pushups and some sort of ab workout after I'm done on the treadmill. The ab workout normally includes situps, crunches, leg raises, and planks. In the evening Gavin and I go on a 2 mile walk around our neighborhood which takes us about 40 mins. When I first started I would have told you that you were crazy if you said I would be jogging. My knees were so bad I didn't think it would ever be possible for me. I started with a seated bike and worked my way up to elliptical and now to treadmill. I also did a lot of weight lifting for awhile, but now my strength training is mostly body weight stuff it just works better for me. Sometimes I feel like losing weight is a full time job and in a way it is so I try to keep in the mind set that I am investing in my future.

Tips to make it all a little easier. Aside from making it a game the next best piece of advice I would give is to get a buddy. I know that I couldn't have done any of this without Gavin and he has told me he feels the same about my support for him. He helps me stay on track when I'm down on myself about slow progress times and I'm good at keeping us on track with our walks. When it comes to any major change in lifestyle it is a tremendous help to have a partner that will eat the same food as you and put in the same amount of work as you. It doesn't need to be a significant other either friends and family can be a great support. I'm not going to lie it does help if you live together and eat meals together. Another good motivator especially for those times in the middle of a workout when you just want to lay down and quit is music. Find music that motivates you to keep moving. For me it isn't the typical super fast loud music most people listen to at the gym. I like music that is calming and has a good driving beat. My band of choice for my workouts is Of Monsters and Men. If music isn't distracting enough try watching music videos especially the ones with the lyrics so you have something to focus on. However, even watching TV shows can work especially if the show is the same length of time you want your workout to be.

This journey has been a lot of work I couldn't have done alone. I own my success to my friends and family, especially Gavin. It wouldn't have even started if I didn't get to the doctor and get the right medication. I see this as a fight not for my waistline, but for my life and that is the greatest motivation of all. So please take care of yourselves.  

A Short Meditation

Meditation is something I have always liked the idea of, but had convinced myself it wasn't something that was actually useful. I didn't know what it was supposed to look like or how to go about it. To me it was something religious people did, and because of my past I didn't really want much to do with anything that could be viewed as a religious practice. However I have seen several studies on the benefits of mindfulness and meditation. My personal mental health has always been somewhat of a struggle for me. After spending so much of my life trying to forget my problems (so Jesus could deal with them for me) it is hard as a post-religious person to learn to start dealing with them in a healthy manner.

After a hard weekend that brought back all of the pain of when I first came out as an atheist, as well as the sting of family rejection, I was left reeling. For the first time in years I said I wanted to see a therapist. This is a huge thing for me. I have always fought so hard to deal on my own or take medication if possible to avoid the pain. I now want to actually deal with it. I'm scared and I don't know how well I will handle this, but things are to the point where I am having a hard time thinking of much else and this is making living life very difficult. I know something has to give or I will be unhappy for the rest of my life and I don't want that. That brings me back to this meditation thing. While we are figuring out if our insurance will cover any kind of mental healthcare, and if we can afford it, I'm going to try to meditate the pain away.

Still, because of my feelings towards Christianity I will not have a meditation space that looks at all like anything I ever saw in a Christian church. That would be triggering and completely ruin the mood. So I set up an old coffee table with some candles, one of the skulls I've cleaned, some incense, and a box to keep all the little things I may need in. It looks very pagan which makes me happy and helps me relax. I put a pillow down and sat in front of the table put on some “meditation” music and set a timer for 15 minutes. My brain is so full of stuff that I don't really care about. I spent the first 10 minuets thinking of ways to make the meditation space better. Once I was able to give myself something to focus on, a simple phrase: “Be calm and forgive”, I started to feel like this could actually be a thing I do on a regular basis. It felt like something that could help me navigate my way through the things I'm dealing with. It felt like something that could help me grow into a better person and that makes me happy and hopeful.

Disassociation

I have not been feeling like myself lately. I have been fighting with depression in a way I haven't in years. It started with the diabetes diagnosis. Diabetes is something I have lived in fear of my whole life. I had a fairly traumatic childhood experience with the disease. All the memories I have of my grandmother are of her toes, feet, and legs slowly turning black and being amputated. My grandparents lived in filth surrounded by animals. A cat so mean I was scared to leave the couch, and a literal pack of dogs outside that only became friendly after the older generation died. When we visited, the smell of animal piss was overwhelming and so was the fear. All I could do was try to distract myself with the TV and try not to look at my grandmother who was so obviously depressed and miserable I had to fight tears every time I looked at her. I remember one year a family had “adopted” my grand parents for Christmas and they brought my grandmother a pair of shoes, this was shortly after she lost the first of her feet, she started to cry and they were so heartbroken they caused her pain on Christmas. I hate that this is one of the strongest memories I have of my grandmother. 

With this as the groundwork for my understanding of how bad it could be for me. I try to remind myself she relied more on prayer than she did on her doctor's advice. She even once ordered water that came from a hole in the ground that someone said a light came out of. Needless to say it wasn't helpful. She didn't eat a proper diet or attempt to take care of herself. Knowing all of this there are still times when I am terrified I'm going to die a slow and painful death like she did.  

This is where the depression comes in. I feel like I have lost myself and struggle with the thought that I will become a huge burden to my family. Logically I know this is not the case. I know lots of people that deal with diabetes that are just fine and are much older than my grandmother was when she died. Still this only brings comfort for a short time. My relationship with food has become this fight to the death. Losing weight is no longer a nice thing to think about it is something I have to do. I'm very happy that I am losing weight but I feel like with every pound lost I am in a way losing part of myself. I know that sounds weird but my weight loss has become one more thing that I am no longer in control of in the since I have to do it. Eating and weight loss have become a survival issue for the most part and not something I am doing for myself, and this is what is leading to my feelings of being out of control. 

It is a strange thought for me. I hadn't realized how much the principles in Satanism are at the center of my being. One of the seven tenets that The Satanic Temple follows is that, “One's own body is inviolable, subject to one's own will alone.” but, what am I supposed to do when it is my body that is causing me harm? My struggle has been to try to find away to live for myself and somehow take back control from my body. This dissociative feeling has been difficult to say the least. Again it is weird to say but I have been trying to find a way to put myself back into my body and live there happily again. 

Physical change has always been a way I have marked change and progress in my life. This has normally been a new tattoo or piercing. I told my partner I wanted to get a new tattoo to remind myself that I was not diabetes but I couldn't think of any design. Even saying those words felt like a lie. After a rough bout of depression over the weekend I had to find a way to re-marry my mind and body. I decided I would take control back a little at a time. Again I my thoughts went to physical change. Hair color is an easy change to make, but it backfired on me. I bleached my hair and this left it very damaged. I sat on the toilet and cried; even my hair was against me. I had lost the fight for control again. I walked out of the bathroom defeated and sat down on the bed facing my partner and a calm came over me and I asked him to help me shave my head, he agreed. As I shaved off the damaged hair I felt like I had won and I couldn't help but smile. I still struggle with eating but at least when I look in the mirror I see me.

My Path to Happiness

I have struggled throughout my life with the concept of happiness. What is it; where does it come from; how do I become happy? I’ve tried lots of things. Fortunately for me, my search never took me down too dark of a path. I do however feel I have learned a lot in my relatively short life so far. Despite my daily fights with depression and anxiety I believe I have landed in a happy place.

When I was very young I thought committing myself to the Christian god would do the trick. Everyone I trusted said it would. Growing up in a “charismatic” church there were certain signs to know if you were doing it right. I couldn't do those things. I couldn't speak in tongues, a language god would give you to worship him properly and only it you believe strongly enough. I faked all the “falling out” but I didn't have to fake the guilt. Why didn't god love me? Why was I not good enough? What could I do better? I knew some of the people that could do these things were far more sinful than I was. It wasn't until years later that I learned some people’s brains are more inclined to be accepting of the influence of groups. I was just not one of those people and that was ok. I filled that part of myself by soaking up what I could of explanations of the world around me. I found that best way to do that was through understanding science. I no longer felt there was something ‘missing in me’ or ‘wrong with me’ and I was happy.

Unfortunately, we are not single layered beings and there is more to happiness than what you believe about a god.  My upbringing in the church wove itself into almost every fiber of my being including my methods of dealing with my depression. I was taught that praying was the only good solution and that medications were for the weak or faithless. It was never explicitly stated but it was obvious in the way some of my family reacted when I told them I was seeing a therapist and taking antidepressants. Here I was again feeling like I had failed in my faith. I needed more than just Jesus to feel like not killing myself and I had let my family down because of it. Once the medication was well in my system and I was able to feel and be clearheaded I decided it wasn't me that had failed god it was god that had failed me. It was one more step in my deconversion and one more step toward happiness for me.

Romantic happiness is a thing that again the church got in the way of for me. I met my first husband at church and we ended up going to our local Bible college together. He was always the questioning type and had found his atheism long before I found mine. The college and our history in our individual churches led directly to the downfall of our relationship. We weren't allowed to explore our romance and sexual expression before we married. That's not to say we were completely abstinent, but it wasn't what it should have been. Once we were married we just weren't happy in many aspects of our relationship. We had two kids; that didn't help. We opened up our relationship; that worked for a little while but caused a lot of additional stress which we had no community support to help us endure. We came to the conclusion, through much heartache and some physical pain, that we were just looking for someone to replace each other. I am in no way suggesting that this is what all open marriages are about, but it is what ours turned out to be. We ended romantic things between us letting go of what was supposed to be, what was expected of us, and just let ourselves be what we wanted to be. That has turned out to be pretty good friends. Myself, my second husband, and my former husband all live in the same house raising our three children together. We made happiness for ourselves outside of the norm.

When I met my second husband I was in a strained place. My relationship with my first husband was coming to an end and things were getting tense. Some things happened that I won’t go into detail about, but they were ugly and put the last nail in the coffin of that relationship. My second husband and I were both in open relationships and seeing several people each. There was this instant connection between us so to speak. However, we both had plans about what we wanted for our future and they were different so I just decided to enjoy the time I had with him and be thankful for it. However, over the first year of our relationship we noticed we were canceling our plans with other people to spend more time with each other. We were on the verge of a monogamous relationship and neither of us were doing anything to stop it. Then something pretty cool happened. I became pregnant with his child. I was on the pill consistently and wasn't taking anything that would have interfered with it doing its job. I am just one of those small percentage of woman that has a failure. There was panic at first; I knew he didn't want to have any children. I was terrified this would end our relationship. I took a few hours to calm myself and called him. I'm not going to lie, it took some time, but eventually we decided to continue the pregnancy. This is right about when we decided to end the rest of our relationships and be monogamous. Here again, I went against the norm and did things my way and I have been happy because of it.

Happiness and comfort in your own skin. This is something that is especially hard for women. I am a fat person, there is just no way around it… well there is a long way around it. I have been told my whole life that I am less because I am more. This has always been a struggle for me.  I got my period when I was between nine and ten and I only made it to five feet one inch tall. I think these things doomed me to be fluffy. Once I became a mom of three (and the three c-sections I had to bring them into the world) I'm pretty sure there is no way I will ever look like a “normal” person again. This is hard for me to swallow.  I let myself go because of it. I couldn't deal with the fact that I will forever be misshapen. I go between knowing I want to live forever and living a healthy lifestyle and not caring at all. I have decided to live and I am working on being happy about the body I will be living in. I have to decide every day to get up and shake off what society says about fat people and do what I need to do to be happy and healthy. It is a choice I make and it is a hard one for me.

Physical pain puts a damper on everything. For almost as long as I can remember I have had this nerve pinch in my lower back. It sometimes makes sleeping, moving, and enjoying anything almost impossible.  The pain sometime crumples me up like a ball while trying to walk. It can send shooting pains into my legs that make sleeping a joke. I sometimes pretend that if I lose some weight it will make it all stop, but I know I'm lying to myself. This pain started when I weighed less than a hundred and twenty pounds.  I assume that one day in my old age I'll have to go under the knife to deal with it. Still, when I am in the most pain I hold my husband's hand and cry and make the choice that I will be thankful to be alive and be happy.  This choice is sometimes the hardest one.

So many things are forced on us, happen to us, or are chosen by us that either lead to our happiness or unhappiness. I think the most important thing I've learned about happiness is that it isn't something that you can force and it isn't something there is a formula for. It also isn't something someone can do for you. No one or no god can make you happy. Your happiness only comes from yourself. You will sometimes have to fight against all odds and your own brain and body to be happy. You also have to accept that even if you don't feel it all the time your life can still be happy.  You also have to be willing to go outside of what you were taught to find the things that you actually need to be happy. Happiness is sometimes an uphill battle against, society, our families' traditions, and our own bodies, but it can be had, and I choose to have it.